Dan and I got married out of college, and what with grad school moves and a young family (plus lack of clarity on a professional career track) I never entered the work force in a conventional way. There were a few months of secretarial work for Dave the plumber, followed by temp work in a law office, then Tupperware sales and a cake decorating business, the latter two accommodating young children at home.
To be quite blunt, thinking of a way to earn income doing what I love has always posed a problem, and I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed as I tried to negotiate the questions that might be true of many 50-year old empty-nesters. I felt like I was letting myself down, not taking enough initiative on my own behalf, squandering my potential. Somehow in the process, I lost my way. Then I read something a college student my daughter knows had posted on his Facebook page. He described a conversation he had with God about all of his doubts. "Stop worrying," God said, "Let it go."
I felt the Spirit nudge my heart. In my desire to be responsible, I'd unknowingly slipped from strategizing to worry. The result was paralysis. Several months ago, I had described to a friend my theory on the energies of God. It's like you're in a house, I said, and the loving power of the universe is housed in the basement. Worry closes the vents, and the house stays cold. Faith opens them up, and allows the warmth and creativity to flow.
It's a good theory. Setting aside my worry felt like I had opened all the vents in my soul as far as they could go. It helped me to realize that finding a job wasn't something I had to do on my own. I had help, wisdom to make the right choice, strength to keep at it. All I needed was available to me and had been all along. It only required faith to allow it to flow.